6 months minus 1 day

My belly about 2 weeks before P was born

6 months ago I was restlessly walking around the East Village, pausing to get through my contractions and bargaining everything I had with the universe to help get this baby OUT. On the eve of Phoenix's half birthday, I'm happy to report that life on the other side is better than I could have imagined on that day. I'm sure I will feel even more grateful and emotional on his one year birthday but 6 months is nothing to frown at. And what a six months it has been...

My pregnancy was pretty wonderful. Every weekend in the ocean, not much discomfort until the very end. I had about two weeks of sciatic pain and of course the enormity...oof. It's difficult to bring myself back to that place. Even though it was only 6 months ago, it feels like a different life time. I know a lot of people say that they can't remember their life before they had children. I don't believe this is true. I don't mean that in a selfish way. I love my child and my life now but it is just different.

As my due date approached, the reality hit me that this person was mine to take care of forever. That is a huge statement. All of a sudden, nothing was good enough. (Of course it wasn't.) Our apartment was crap, we didn't have enough money, we should be more prepared!!! What were we thinking??!! Ah!

I spent a lot of time going inside myself and searching for the strength to embark on this journey. My whole pregnancy, I was so focussed on growing the baby, keeping him safe in my belly, and taking care of myself that I forgot that he was eventually come out. Crazy, huh?

After my water broke (three days before I went into labor) I felt frozen. I mean, I was excited to meet him but terrified of not only this crazy, nondedicated, home birth that I agreed to (What?!! Can we still talk about that epidural???) but also to the beginning of this new role, responsibility, and chapter in our lives. Was I ready? It didn't matter. This baby chose us and he was ready to meet us. Ready to meet the world and begin his own journey, write his own birth story.

These thoughts feel so scattered now, but as I sit here writing this all out I'm in awe of how much my life has changed in such a short time. When I wrote that life is different, I mean, how could it not be? You're thrust into this new version of your old life with a couple hours (maybe a day's) notice. One second you're contemplating another cookie and within several hours you have this impossibly tiny (so tiny!) person with a beating heart and breathing lungs and all they need is you. And to be honest, having a partner is essential in the way of support but in the beginning, all that little person needs is you. In an alarmingly, overwhelming way.

But all at once, that little person is 6 months old and you are left to wonder how this bubbly, funny, little baby came to be. Where is the newborn who was hungry every 45 minutes? The tiny (did I mention tiny?) little koala who slept on our chests more than half the time...the little sack of potatoes, as I so sweetly referred to our sleepy son. He is a different baby. He laughs every minute and has a giant gummy smile that will melt your heart. On the worst days he can bring my heart to light and on the amazing days it feels like they should never end.

6 months ago today I was about to embark on a journey that I was completely unprepared for. I would go to sleep wondering how much more time I had to endure the oncoming contractions and how bad the pain would be (ha!). I was about to find out that even though the easy part was over, the best was yet to come.

My Water Broke Last Night

And since then I have been on a one way train to baby town, making every slooooow stop along the way.

By this I mean, there hasn't been much action. Other than eating, resting, and hot showers.

My midwife came by this morning to check in and make sure baby and I were okay. We are. But other than that I have been having not more than some mild contractions, no where near the REAL DEAL.

And so we wait.

Having your water break is different than the movies. I thought it was going to happen and we would be rushing around getting ready. Nope. Just cleaned up and tried to go back to sleep, unsuccessfully. Not too excited.

Sigh. Come on baby! Let's do this!

image via

39 Weeks

Still pregnant.
Yes. Stiiiiiiill pregnant.
However, tonight is a full moon and I just ordered some spicy Thai. Let's see how that goes. Hopefully both of these things will kickstart baby boy's arrival.
If you are interested at all about when I go into labor - check my twitter. I'm sure I'll be posting something ridiculous and excited.

Reflections & Challenges

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Pregnancy is challenging. It challenges, of course, your body. First off, you have no idea if you can even become pregnant. Every woman is hoping not to get pregnant for so long that until you finally decide to try, you have no clue if it's even in the cards for you.
Then, for months, you wait in agony until you're in the "clear" for the rest of your pregnancy. You're waiting to hear that you're "safe." I use these words loosely because although there is less of a chance that you'll have a miscarriage, it's entirely possible, as it was for me. Bummer.
By the time you're halfway through you feel those first few incredible flutters. That's when you feel that first magical connection. The first time you feel life. It's amazing.

At this point, you're being challenged emotionally. You're responsible. For making a life. For about 20 more weeks. Here we go...
And so begins the fun journey that is:

• "Is this really happening?"
• "Can we do this?"
• "How much bigger am I going to get?" (Spoiler: A lot.)
• "Um...I actually have to get this baby out of me?"
• "GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME."

Now this pregnancy is challenging your every day. At 38 weeks, everything feels a little more difficult. Half of the time I am starving no matter how much I eat. Equally, I can take three bites and feel like I'm going to explode due to baby pressing down on my stomach.

My yoga pants and leggings are in HEAVY rotation. Yesterday I wore my maternity jeggings to lunch and whined about it all day. Great idea.

I'm sleepy. Like really sleepy. More sleepy than first trimester, when I slept for 12-15 hours. It may have something to do with waking up a million times a night, ridden with anxiety, and baby deciding he is ready to begin his day at six. I know, I know. Prepping, right? Ugh.

My emotions are all over the place. If the bank teller asks me one more time if I'm still pregnant, I'm going to have a meltdown. OBVIOUSLY. Do you think I just gave birth and decided I liked the way it looked to be 9 months pregnant? 

Another challenge is finding time for friends. I know this seems like a no brainer. I have nothing to do but wait at this point right? Theoretically yes...But I have to find time AND energy to put on my leggings, brush my hair, decide if I'm hungry first, did I nap enough, figure out a place to meet within walking distance, sit down and take a break after all that, pee, cry because I'm so tired and not sure it was a good idea to make plans, lay down, have a snack, pee again, brush my hair again, cry because none of my clothes fit, decide if I have to pee again, and finally waddle down the street to meet you, friend. Exhausting, yes? I'm not kidding. This is an every day sequence of events at this point. Combined with contractions at inopportune moments and all around discomfort. 

To round out the whiny whining for the afternoon I will tell you that this has been a difficult year. Pregnancy has been very different than what I expected. But isn't that life? You have no idea how it will be until you're there. I remember feeling that way in college. Thinking, wow, I'm in the middle of this whole thing and this was not what I thought it was going to be. Or starting a new job, getting married, moving to a new place...you get the idea. It always turns out amazing, just somehow different than how you imagined. 

It may seem like it's been a miserable experience but in honestly, I really can't complain. For most of the past nine months I have experienced little more than some initial nausea, sleepiness, and about two weeks of sciatica midway through. I have felt energetic, excited, in love, blessed, beautiful, and honored to be a mama to this little being growing inside me. I have felt closer to S, the universe, other women, my own mom, my body, and God than ever before in my life. 

As much as I am being a whiney pants lately, I am so grateful to be here. At the end of one journey, and almost the beginning of a (much longer) new one. Hopefully baby boy will want to meet us soon. I know I still have the most important part (birth) to look forward to but now that I'm almost there, I can honestly say that it is an incredible experience. To go from peeing on a stick, to feeling your baby move for the first time, seeing your body change, surrender to the process, and trust in your own body...to know that your little person is going to be here soon. It's surreal. 

So, with that said, I am planning on taking the next however long (please come soon!), to reflect on this journey. My first pregnancy, my first child. A year I will never forget. I'm sure the next time will be different and just as special. But I'm in this moment right now, and I'm going to make sure I enjoy it.


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I'm Exhausted

My friend wrote a funny post last week about trying to catch up on her sleep in the weeks before baby comes while it's impossible. You see, in the weeks leading up to the big day there is, of course, the requisite stress and lists running through your head. However, the more painful reason you can not sleep is because you are actually in physical pain. Yes, your baby is beating you up from the inside. Fun times. And then there is waking up in the middle night because of heartburn, hip pains, back pains, anxiety, and freaky nightmares involving giving birth to everything but your own kid. And forget actually falling asleep. It could take hours to find a comfortable position.

Okay, I'm done whining.

Kind of.

For now.

Anyway, we had a really fun past few weeks house/cat sitting for my parents in the burbs. It was nice to get out of the city, watch cable, and relax. We also drove down to the boardwalk, played mini golf, and shared an ice cream. It was really nice. And last weekend, two of our lovely friends got married and we got to go to their beautiful wedding. It was super fun to do my hair, put on some make up, and make myself feel as fancy as I possibly can at this point. Meh. There's only so many dresses you can try on...

Anyway, it was so much fun dancing all night with friends, taking photo booth photos, and stuffing ourselves with nom nom treats like mac and cheese balls and chocolate peanut butter pie. YUM. Best of all, my pregnant friend was also there and we had fun harassing the photographer to take photos of us and dancing with our bumps. haha

With baby boy "arriving" roughly a month-ish from now, I am trying to catch up on my never ending list. Even with all my free time right now, it seems like it takes forever to accomplish anything between being exhausted, hungry, having to pee a million times a day, and just getting overwhelmed. Told you I wasn't really done whining....

Cute image via

Reading Room

About 5 minutes after I found out I was pregnant, I ordered somewhere between 5 and 5000 books from Amazon and have been devouring them little by little. In the grand scheme of pregnancy related books, most are not what I found to be interesting, informative, or even up to date. Let me explain...

Without using titles, some of these "fabulous" books included information such as: Don't eat parsley, don't listen to music too loud, etc. You can see where I'm going with this.

Given our birth plan, I was more interested in learning about natural approaches to pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. Along the way I found some really great books! These have helped me develop a positive attitude through this journey and prepare me for an empowered labor (HOPEFULLY!).

Anyway, here they are:

Having a Baby, Naturally: The Mothering Magazine Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth

Let the Baby Drive : Navigating the Road of New Motherhood

Juju Sundin's Birth Skills: Proven Pain-Management Techniques for Your Labour and Birth

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth

Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful: Experience the Natural Power of Pregnancy and Birth with Kundalini Yoga and Meditation

The last book is also the style of prenatal yoga that I have been doing. I'll have to write about that soon. It has been essential these last few weeks in restoring me physically and emotionally.

I still have a whole stack to go through including Hypnobirthing, some Dr. Sears books, Birthing from Within, Bradley Method, and a few others. Phew...

Did you have any favorite pregnancy, birth, or parenting books?


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