Thursday, October 6, 2011

Reflections & Challenges

Pregnancy is challenging. It challenges, of course, your body. First off, you have no idea if you can even become pregnant. Every woman is hoping not to get pregnant for so long that until you finally decide to try, you have no clue if it's even in the cards for you.
Then, for months, you wait in agony until you're in the "clear" for the rest of your pregnancy. You're waiting to hear that you're "safe." I use these words loosely because although there is less of a chance that you'll have a miscarriage, it's entirely possible, as it was for me. Bummer.
By the time you're halfway through you feel those first few incredible flutters. That's when you feel that first magical connection. The first time you feel life. It's amazing.

At this point, you're being challenged emotionally. You're responsible. For making a life. For about 20 more weeks. Here we go...
And so begins the fun journey that is:

  • "Is this really happening?"
  • "Can we do this?"
  • "How much bigger am I going to get?" (Spoiler: A lot.)
  • "Um...I actually have to get this baby out of me?"
Now this pregnancy is challenging your every day. At 38 weeks, everything feels a little more difficult. Half of the time I am starving no matter how much I eat. Equally, I can take three bites and feel like I'm going to explode due to baby pressing down on my stomach.

My yoga pants and leggings are in HEAVY rotation. Yesterday I wore my maternity jeggings to lunch and whined about it all day. Great idea.

I'm sleepy. Like really sleepy. More sleepy than first trimester, when I slept for 12-15 hours. It may have something to do with waking up a million times a night, ridden with anxiety, and baby deciding he is ready to begin his day at six. I know, I know. Prepping, right? Ugh.

My emotions are all over the place. If the bank teller asks me one more time if I'm still pregnant, I'm going to have a meltdown. OBVIOUSLY. Do you think I just gave birth and decided I liked the way it looked to be 9 months pregnant? 

Another challenge is finding time for friends. I know this seems like a no brainer. I have nothing to do but wait at this point right? Theoretically yes...But I have to find time AND energy to put on my leggings, brush my hair, decide if I'm hungry first, did I nap enough, figure out a place to meet within walking distance, sit down and take a break after all that, pee, cry because I'm so tired and not sure it was a good idea to make plans, lay down, have a snack, pee again, brush my hair again, cry because none of my clothes fit, decide if I have to pee again, and finally waddle down the street to meet you, friend. Exhausting, yes? I'm not kidding. This is an every day sequence of events at this point. Combined with contractions at inopportune moments and all around discomfort. 

To round out the whiny whining for the afternoon I will tell you that this has been a difficult year. Pregnancy has been very different than what I expected. But isn't that life? You have no idea how it will be until you're there. I remember feeling that way in college. Thinking, wow, I'm in the middle of this whole thing and this was not what I thought it was going to be. Or starting a new job, getting married, moving to a new get the idea. It always turns out amazing, just somehow different than how you imagined. 

It may seem like it's been a miserable experience but in honestly, I really can't complain. For most of the past nine months I have experienced little more than some initial nausea, sleepiness, and about two weeks of sciatica midway through. I have felt energetic, excited, in love, blessed, beautiful, and honored to be a mama to this little being growing inside me. I have felt closer to S, the universe, other women, my own mom, my body, and God than ever before in my life. 

As much as I am being a whiney pants lately, I am so grateful to be here. At the end of one journey, and almost the beginning of a (much longer) new one. Hopefully baby boy will want to meet us soon. I know I still have the most important part (birth) to look forward to but now that I'm almost there, I can honestly say that it is an incredible experience. To go from peeing on a stick, to feeling your baby move for the first time, seeing your body change, surrender to the process, and trust in your own know that your little person is going to be here soon. It's surreal. 

So, with that said, I am planning on taking the next however long (please come soon!), to reflect on this journey. My first pregnancy, my first child. A year I will never forget. I'm sure the next time will be different and just as special. But I'm in this moment right now, and I'm going to make sure I enjoy it.

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  1. Wow. This is such a well-written post. You sum up so clearly how it feels when the idea of something turns out to be different than its reality.

    My husband and I are trying for baby #1 currently--we just started this month--and I am in the stage you describe of wondering if it is in the cards for us, or if I am pregnant now and how weird that is when I have spent my whole life trying to avoid pregnancy. It's certainly a strange place...

    As much as I am trying to prepare myself for pregnancy to run counter to my expectations, I'm sure it will still shock me when it actually happens.

  2. This is a great read, Karolina! :) Well, that's where proper planning comes into play. It's never easy to be pregnant after years of "freedom" from major responsibilities. But you're also right that a mother shouldn't complain despite the heavy burden of being pregnant. How are you and your baby after a year? I know you're bearing the fruits of your labor. :)

    Aiko Dumas