hold on

(A crappy iphone photo but I love it)

It's strange to think that there will be a time when it won't be completely normal for Phoenix and I to be touching all day and night. Between morning snuggles, nursing, reading books in my lap, holding him on my hip as he watches me cook dinner, holding hands as we take a walk, baby massage after bath time, rocking him to sleep, and all the hugs and kisses all day long there is very little space between us. There were so many times during these past 16 months that being that close all the time felt suffocating. Obviously I loved all the closeness but between non stop nursing, co sleeping, and Phoenix's very strong attachment to me, I felt like I never had my body to myself. I went from carrying him around on the inside to carrying him and supporting him on the outside. And it was absolutely my choice. I'm not complaining about it. I feel so grateful that I've been able to (and still do) nurse him and have all this time together. I know there are other mothers who would do anything to be together.

16 months has proven to be the best. He is so adventurous, so curious, and SO loving. The hugs out of no where, the slobbery kisses as he's falling asleep at night...they slay me. Lately, bedtime has been my favorite. Which is a faaaaaar cry from the struggle it was the last few months. These days, after bath, lotions, and some quiet play time. P let's me know he's ready for bed by taking my hand and leading me to the bedroom (always around 7), we sing the goodnight song to papa, mama, and Phoenix. He puts his little arms out for each of us to squeeze him and with a big grin, leans in for a giant kiss. He loves this routine. After that, papa leaves, we put on his sleep sheep, turn out the lights, and have our time. We lay in bed and he nurses as I rub his little head and sing our song. After he's done, he rolls off my lap and snuggles into me. He takes my hand and puts it on his belly because he likes when I rub his little chest/belly area. And so I do. I quietly tell him about our day...from morning until bed time. What we did, and the adventures we went on...the friends we saw and all the sirens we heard. Sometimes he chimes in, sometimes he just listens. And every night he rolls over to face me, half asleep, and gives me a series of kisses with a sleepy grin. Heart explodes. This is what I'm talking about. How is it possible that one day this won't be happening nightly? I don't like to think about it.

Feeling his tiny ribs as his chest rises and falls...hearing his small, slow breath as he drifts off to sleep...and feeling him cuddle into me as I join him in bed...these are snippets of this precious time that I hope to never forget. I know that one day I will be longing for his little hand to hold mine and for that slobbery mouth to kiss mine. His touch will be reserved for greetings, birthday wishes, and thank yous. I know this all isn't happening tomorrow but I feel like I can see the cold reality that lies ahead and I don't like it one bit.

For now, I will cherish each little request to be held. Where as once I would do anything to have some alone time...I now realize that our days like this are numbered. I was feeling suffocated by the endless physical need from my child...now I want to give him more. I want to hold on to his hand a little bit longer before he runs off to explore, kiss his face a little bit more while he still lets me, and blow raspberries on his tummy while it's still funny. Let's not even begin talking about nibbling on those chunky thighs. I could write whole novels about my love of those thighs.

For today I will hold on a little bit tighter, and hope he will too.

i love me pt. 1

(This photo has nothing to do with this post. I just love it. P was about 6 months old. We were in Amsterdam. I was really happy here. Look at that face...)

While others are posting about the cute crafts they made with their kids today and my pinterest is exploding with projects that I would never have enough time to attempt, I decided to dedicate this post to writing about someone I love - me. Yes. I love myself. You should too. (Yourself, not me. Although, feel free to love me too.)

My relationship with myself was not always one of deep love and appreciation. I experienced all the same mild self hatred that most women experience in their late teens/early twenties. I starved myself of decent food, sleep, and meaningful relationships. My life and body were filled with toxic people and foods. Not to mention I never gave myself a break. Whenever something didn't work out in my life, I always found a reason to blame myself. Boys, diets, college, first jobs, friends, apartments...it was all my fault. My story is not unusual. And it's not as bleak as it sounds. I would not say that I was much different (in this sense) from any other young woman trying to find her way in this city. Those years were probably the funnest, wildest, and most carefree I have ever experienced. I don't say this in a woe-is-me kind of way. I am grateful for all the experiences, good and bad, that got me to the point I am at now, which is a good one. But it took lots of self discovery and knocking myself down over and over to learn how to treat myself best. And now, years later, it is constantly something I am working on.

Becoming pregnant, experiencing a miscarriage, carrying a baby, experiencing natural childbirth, becoming a mother...there is not many ways to prepare for these experiences. And all of them broke me down to my core. There was no time to blame myself, no energy to analyze what I had done wrong this time, when there is a little life to care for. I had to eliminate all the toxicity in my life. All the crippling feelings I had about myself. And then find that love within myself. Most of this happened after my miscarriage and in the first few months of being pregnant with Phoenix. I cried every day. I had so much fear. So much anxiety about what I had done wrong the first time. But I realized that it wasn't healthy for me or the baby to hold all the fear and all those emotions inside myself. So I let them go and began trusting. The universe, the process, God...whatever you want to call it. I just convinced myself that this was the journey I was on, all these moments were small pieces of my story, and if I fixated on the negative parts there wouldn't be much room for anything else.

So I carried that baby with all the love I had. I birthed him with every bit of self hatred I had leaving my body. How could I feel disappointed in myself after everything my body - and I - was capable of doing? But then came breastfeeding and all the difficulties, crying, pain, infections, frustration, and new reasons to blame myself. Again I found myself feeling not worthy of this perfect little being. I remember moments of feeling so unfit to being his mother. I felt so far away from this image I had of the mother I wanted to be. But after several months, and after our breastfeeding troubles were behind us, I was able to let go of that disappointment. I was free to be proud of myself.

Once Phoenix was around 12 months old, it felt like our life was changing daily. His needs changed, schedule changed, and expectations changed. This threw us for another loop. Suddenly I had even more obligations. Now, I'm a dreamer. I have so many ideas I would love to further explore, so many projects always on the horizon. As you can imagine, it's often frustrating not knowing how or when to make these dreams a reality. They feel so close yet so unattainable. Again came the self resentment. I was frustrated with myself for not being able to wrap my head around my own life. Not to have 40 hours in a day. There came a moment that I felt like I had hit rock bottom. Every day was a struggle. I didn't understand how so many moms had it all together. How were they running successful businesses, mothering with ease, showcasing their latest pinterest triumph (maybe I have some kind of pinterest anxiety?), and blogging all about it? And how did they not look constantly tired, like I did? I felt like I couldn't handle anything. The walls were closing in on me. Simple tasks became a cycle of frustration, anger, and crying. Every night I felt like a failure. As days went by I realized I was becoming paralyzed by my own self doubt. As much support as I had from my husband, family, and friends, I had to really look to myself. (Side note: This was also a reason I began featuring mom's group. I was reaching out for more support!)

And so I did just that. I gave myself a break. Although I do feel like I truly "have it all" in my life, it's so relevant to me. Being a mother has definitely shown me that my strengths are greater than I imagined and magnified my weaknesses even more. Which helps me when my craft anxiety sets in. I have been knitting one scarf since I've been pregnant. It might take me a while to finish it and I'm okay with that.

on trusting the challenges

It's obvious. Parenting is challenging. And those challenges evolve and change. Sometimes daily, but usually hourly. It's the obvious things, like teething and lack of sleep, that you can kind of prepare for. But then there are  the other challenges. The ones that are individual to your child. These are the ones that both of you learn the most from. Like their personal fears or dislikes. Phoenix, Scott, and I have learned to navigate these things together. How he likes to be soothed when he's upset, that he gets sad if he sees us arguing, and the fact that will most likely not eat oatmeal unless I make it into a pancake for him. These are things we have learned so far.

Then there are the actions you choose as a family and the beliefs you have. I am not being vague. There are just so many decisions we, as parents, have to make for our children on a moment by moment basis. When I was pregnant, I spend hours pouring over information on pregnancy, birth, and labor. Maybe a bit about newborns. I knew what to eat and what vitamins to take. I knew I wanted to give birth at home. We decided not to vaccinate Phoenix. And I had my heart set on breastfeeding. That was pretty much it.

Obviously we knew we would love and care for him above all else. But I think most first time parents don't realize the amount of decisions you have to make every day in order to raise your precious babe. And they come so quickly. One day you're relishing in the tiny baby on your chest, and in the blink of an eye you have to decide whether or not to begin solids. Is this sippy cup going to stunt their verbal development? Is this toy educational enough without limiting his own creativity? Are the colors of this board book vibrant enough for his sensory development? Am I going to lose my mind with all these questions? Yes. The answer is yes.

Of course I appreciate statistics, reviews, and studies but above all, I believe in myself and my kid. (And Scott, of course!) There is only so much you can agonize over something before you just decide to do it (or not). And while I did all that research while pregnant, I found that I make my decisions I bit more on the fly these days. Not that I'm indifferent, I just don't have the time to stress out over every little thing. And for the most part, it works for us. And when it doesn't, we trust that there is a lesson in our mistake. That there is more than just finding the perfect high chair or choosing a preschool for P. I realize he is not even two yet but NYC is insane and you have to put your kid on a waiting list YESTERDAY if you want to even have a chance to apply. Not kidding. But that is another blog post. For now, we will enjoy learning, growing, and trusting that everything is as it should be.

Mom Hair

(via)

We're supposed to be talking about the holidays, right? How lovely they were. How magical it is to see Christmas through the eyes of our children. How grateful we are for all the nice gifts we received and the time spent together. Yes, yes, and yes.

Phew. Now that we got that out of the way...let's move onto more important things. Like hair.

I distinctly remember being a young kid and thinking that some of my friends moms would look much prettier if their hair wan't so short. It wasn't anything against them. They were all wonderful. Baking cookies for us after school and shuttling us to and from soccer/the beach/everywhere. I just wondered why they chose to wear their hair in such a way that resembled a, um, mulletish type style or crew cut. You know what I mean...

Now, I get it. I really get it.

You see, all of these moms were busy. They were great moms. Which meant they were helping out at school, cooking, driving to and from each child's recital or game, and all the while holding down a house with 2-4 kids/dogs/and husbands. Wow.

I have fairly long hair. It's on the fine side. We live in an area where we walk everywhere daily. (Read: it's windy!) My child thinks it's pretty amusing to pull my hair occasionally. Do you see where I'm going with this?

This leaves me dreaming of short hair. Easy hair styles. I know...how momish of me. I never thought I would think of changing my hair just to make my life easier. I always thought women who used that excuse were just lazy. Not that I ever had any truly difficult to maintain hair styles. But I find that, these days, I'm just washing my hair and throwing it up in a top knot or a side braid every day.

My question is: Is it even worth it? Honestly, I hate wearing my hair lose/down, lately. For Christmas Eve, I blew out and curled it. Looked fabulous but took roughly 40 minutes. There's no way I'm even close to doing that every day. I've had short hair (chin length) before so I know it suits me and I like it enough. Now, it just gets tangled while I chase P in the playground, knotty in the wind, and yanked out on a daily basis. Ouch.

Have you ever considered cutting your hair because it's just another things to maintain everyday? Do your kids pull your hair? Do you think this is all ridiculous?

Mom's Group V.1

(Forever making silly sounds and faces.)

Okay, so here it goes. As I mentioned, my purpose on PH&C is shifting. I want to provide meaningful posts and build more of a community, amongst all the cute photos of my kid and stories about us. As much as I love browsing other blogs with style posts and crafts so gorgeous they make you curse yourself, I feel like it's time to get real. I'm talking to you, with your perfectly stylized photos and very clean child in an all white outfit. (Why do they even sell white clothes for toddlers? I'll never understand.) I'm not saying we need to air our dirty laundry. But, truthfully, we need each other. We need to know more about each other than our favorite pair of tights or what we ate for lunch. I say this because truthfully, parenting is difficult. (Shocker, I know.) And when I've already witnessed a toddler meltdown, cleaned up pee off the floor, and it's only 9 am, I need to know that you understand. Are you with me? 

So, I'm asking my favorite ladies to speak up. Share our challenges. We can all virtually hold each other's hands and eat ice cream out of the carton together. (Also wine, there must always be wine.)

I'm asking every one participating to feel free to be as open or discreet as they like. As this is an exercise in authenticity, I am encouraging all to share as much as they feel comfortable putting out there. Some of these questions are pretty loaded and broad so answer as you wish. I think that if other mom's can join us in our challenges and successes, we feel like we are in this whole crazy parenting thing together.

Without further ado, here are my own answers and the very first installment of Mom's Group. 

My name is Karolina. My son is Phoenix and he is about 14 months old. We (along with my husband) live in Brooklyn, NYC.

1. How has being a mother inspired you?

I used to hear other parents saying how much having children inspired them to be better people and always found that so obnoxious. I felt like it was so strange to let that be the catalyst for wanting to be "good." But I find it to be so true. While I haven't had an actual moment when I thought, "Gee, I really want to be a better person for P." I found myself evolving. And what does "good" mean, really? I guess for me, I feel more inspired to live my personal definition of a good person, daughter, friend, wife, and mother. I am inspired to show him the beauty of the everyday and how incredible his life is. But I digress. 

I feel inspired to be a complete person, in spite of such a huge part of me being mom all day, every day. I want my child to know me as not only his mama, but as a woman who had a wholly fulfilling life, in addition to the fulfillment of motherhood. 

2. What is the greatest challenge of having a child?

Okay, this question is huge. I could say that the greatest challenges for me have been:

- the change in social life. I never thought being surrounded by 8 million people would be so lonely. While I have a group of mom friends that i see quite a bit and a few in particular that have become good friends, I still feel like I know all the baristas at my local coffee shops all too well. Most days, I am desperate for adult interaction. I know what you're thinking, why don't I go out with my friends? Why don't Scott and I go out to dinner? Up until recently, it was really difficult to leave Phoenix. He is so attached to me that it takes Scott forever to calm him down at night. My mom has babysat before and I've gone out a few times but we never felt comfortable leaving him for a sitter for the majority of his first year. These days his nights are much better and he is not nursing as much, which makes a huge difference.

-identity. I didn't think that this would bother me as much as it does now. Before P was born, I had a career as a personal chef, that I loved. I made my own money and got to be creative every day. It was very fulfilling. I knew that I wanted to give that up to become a mom. And for the majority of the last year it hadn't bothered me. Now that a lot of my mom friends have returned to work and have picked up right where they left off I am feeling confused. When I was pregnant, I didn't think I would miss working at all. And in those early months I couldn't even imagine how that would work. But now I feel really annoyed when I see old friends (usually child less) whom ask me what else I am doing besides being with P full time. Huh? I don't want to get all passive aggressive about this, and while I do have other projects going on, that question is infuriating. 

3. Is motherhood how you imagined it would be when you were pregnant?

Yes and no. I knew it would be a heart breaking kind of love. I knew I would fall in love with P over and over again day after day. I knew that in one day I would be capable of being over the moon with happiness and frustrated with feeling alone. That's the person I am. But I didn't know how physical it would all be. I wasn't prepared for such an energetic-all-the-time little creature. I didn't know I would be jealous of my husband for going to a work event. But, for the most part, it is even better than I imagined it would be. My days are so full of love, laughter, and learning. I have learned a lot about the person I am and the woman I want to be. It's true that our children really do force us to slow down and appreciate little things. I appreciate that.

4. How has your marriage been affected since becoming a parent?

Well, in many ways we have become closer than ever. We have argued more this past year than in all the years we have been together. I don't think there's any way around that. But with the arguing and talking comes learning and growing. (So cheesy, I know.) But it's true. When we married, I felt like we really became a team. But now that we have this little person in our lives we are truly a family. And that puts a lot of pressure on us, I think. Scott works all day to support us, while I work all day being with P. By the end of the day we are wiped out. I know that is nothing new for most every family but you don't really understand the exhaustion until you are in that place. While it's nice to have even a bit of alone time together in the evenings, it's useless if it's only spent watching tv on the computer. We try to be more intentional with how we spend our one-on-one time these days. It's much better that way. I could go on and on about marriage and parenting. I guess that's why there are whole books about it...

5. How tidy is your home? (Come on! We all want to know!)

Depends on the day, or hour, really. We try to put our toys and books away after we are done playing with them but it doesn't always happen. I try to clean during nap times but sometimes I just need to sit down and work/eat/decompress so sometimes I need an extra day. Once in a while my mom comes for the day, which means I get to do exciting things like wipe down the base boards. Thrilling. While housework isn't what really drives me, it does give me a strange sense of control in this crazy season in my life. I was never a really messy person but these days I feel like if the house is in mostly decent shape and the dishes are put away, I've accomplished something. I'm constantly trying to get rid of "stuff" that we don't need or use as well. 

*BONUS* One line of your best advice for anyone expecting/new parents:

Treat your kid like an individual. Every baby/child is unique and what your book says or what your friend's kid did may not apply to your child. If you try something that is "supposed" to work and it doesn't, maybe there's a reason. Really get to know your child's needs and you'll see that maybe the reason they are/ are not doing _____ is because they are not ready or a host of other reasons. Think about that when you are getting frustrated in the middle of the night with a screaming baby. Try something else or just listen to your heart. You'll know what feels right.

So there you have it. Phew. That feels good. Fell free to post your thoughts and answer along in the comments. If you would like to be apart of this project, please email me. I've got some incredible mom's coming up with thoughtful answers.

One Year Later

(from his first birthday...just us three)

This time last year Phoenix was 9 days old. Yesterday was my dad's birthday and last year on his birthday we bundled P up and went out to lunch at a local biergarten. I was so nervous, so fragile still. He was so tiny. He mostly slept and cooed as we shared beers and I nervously picked at my giant pretzel and sausage. I remember everyone in the restaurant coming by to congratulate us and feeling both happy and oh so nervous that they were breathing too close to him. The germs! By the time we got home and my parents left I was a bundle of nerves. I collapsed on the couch and cried. That was so exhausting, I thought. How am I ever going to leave the house with him?

Those days were long ones. Packing up our tiny East Village apartment, hosting friends in a jumble of boxes and diapers, and learning how to be parents. The computer was constantly open to a mess of informational sites having to do with sleeping/nursing/pooping...

Trips to the pediatrician were an all day excursion and grocery shopping felt like a outward bound adventure. We worked so hard to decipher all his little cries, studied several diapers, and counted the pitiful hours of sleep we were getting. But we were so happy, so in love. Still riding high on the birth and meeting of our three hearts.

Scott and I spent countless hours studying his face. Trying so much to memorize the quiver of his chin just seconds before he let out a cry, the tiny “o” shape he made with his mouth, and the great big stretches he would take when he woke up. Seemed like so much for such a tiny creature.

One year ago we had hit the ground running on this whole parenting adventure. I was over the initial shock of birth and my full days of overwhelming tears were more like half days of kind of delirious tears. Scott and I were getting lost in the world of Phoenix and making sense of this new family of three. Life was good.

One year later: it's better. And get's better every day, every moment. There are still challenges. There are still days that leave me in tears, and days that end in a much needed glass of wine. I don't think those days end. The challenges and the expectations change, but the frustrations stay the same.

Phoenix is now one year and nine days old. Unbelievable. I still don't like saying one year old. It sounds so official. So I stick with 12 months. Months mean baby to me and I'm going to stick with baby for as long as I can.

Twelve months has brought us such an incredible amount of fun! He walks! He talks! He climbs things! Eek! We have an honest-to-goodness toddler and it is all at once exhausting and exciting. Each day brings so many new experiences and tricks. And pride. So much pride. For me, of course, but his little face is so lit up each time he figures something out on his own. Heart swelling.

The baby that never slept and had a sensitive tummy is, all of a sudden, sleeping like a champ and eating everything in sight. As you can imagine, we are overjoyed about all of it, especially the sleep. It took him some time to figure it all out. But he did it. On his own terms. And when he was ready. It was so worth it.

I think often we forget what tiny, fragile beings newborns are. As adults, we never have to worry about someone forcing us to do something (usually). But for some reason, most people feel comfortable forcing their infants to eat something, sleep at a certain time, or schedule themselves into a baby frenzy. Personally, I feel like it takes time to figure out....life, really. With so many things going on in that developing brain every moment of the day and night, I imagine it's difficult to keep a schedule in mind. In any case, I'm so happy we didn't push Phoenix.

A year ago we were knee deep in diapers and trying to stay afloat in the deep sea of having a baby. While things are much smoother these days, I have a feeling that year two has just as many happy adventures and glasses of wine in store for us.

Cheers to one year!

Hurts So Good

I never realized how physical the act of mothering would be. When I was pregnant, I imagined how exhausted I would be (not even close!) and how little sleep I would get (ha!). I had visions of a tiny baby sleeping on my chest, his breath raising and lowering that tiny body. Then, he's crawling towards me, barreling into my open arms. Not only did I dream this, all of it happened. Phoenix is the most loving little snuggle bug. He loves nothing more than being close to me. It is an amazing feeling knowing that someone's most favorite thing is just to be held by you. That you can bring such comfort and security to a tiny soul, just by hugging them. As overwhelmingly powerful as this is, it is also so draining some days. 

Phoenix is a strong boy. Really. From the time he was 2 weeks old, he was grabbing our little fingers to pull up his neck and from about 6 weeks he was grunting and pulling up with his whole upper body. His physicality is evident in everything he does. He hasn't been weighed since his 9 month well visit, but I have a feeling he is well over 25 lbs at this point. When anyone is holding him, it's not uncommon for them to comment on how they didn't expect him to be so heavy. Now, I'm not writing this to be all braggy "my-kid-is-BIGGER-than-yours!" because, honestly, I'm tired of those comments/attitudes. My point is, all this cuddling and loving, it hurts sometimes. 

With painful little teeth cutting up through tiny gums every few weeks, my boy has been known to gnaw on my shoulder while being rocked to sleep. If I don't keep up with clipping his razors nails, I suffer the consequences by being covered in a slashed up chest from loving rubs during nursing sessions. Since it is a very tactile and exploratory time for Phoenix, he often pinches or pokes me when we are talking about parts of the body. And if you've ever held a baby, you already know about the hair pulling. Ouch. 

I know there isn't much time left with all the snuggles so I just practice being present and putting it into perspective. With sore arms and a full heart I will cuddle my boy, rock him, and swing him around in the grass. Soon he will be wiggling out of my hugs and setting off on his own adventures. For now I will hold on.

On Being Bored

(via)

I love being a full time mom. I really, truly do. And fully understand how lucky I am to be in a position to stay home with my baby. I don't take that for granted. There are a lot of women and men who wish they could be with their littles all day. With all that said...

It's a little slow going sometimes.

10 months is so fun and definitely funner than 6 months or 2 months...you get the point. Even though independence is bittersweet at times, it's fun to see Phoenix figuring out how to play and explore.

While we do leave the house every day and try to do as many different things as I can think of, it does get a bit repetitive. I know, I know...what a boring life in New York City. I can hear you playing that tiny violin for me. But I suppose it's the same as any town, suburb, or big city. You visit the same several playgrounds in heavy rotation, library, pool, sprinklers, and run errands. Over and over and over. I'm sure it's not the place that makes the difference, it's the activities and the structure of your day.

Typically we all wake up together between 6:30 and 7, we play in bed for a few minutes, I nurse P, and Scott takes him out into the living room so I can have a few moments of calm before we begin the day. I then join them and have a cup of tea while Scott has his coffee and P plays. After Scott walks down the hall to begin his work day, P and I sing and chat while I make his breakfast and mine. Sometimes he's hungry, sometimes not. We sit at the table together and have our breakfast while I usually listen to a news podcast. After breakfast we play a little more and then it's morning nap time. During that time I try to get everything and nothing done. Once he wakes up we get changed and pack our bag, have lunch, and off we go.

Most days we hang out around our neighborhood in Brooklyn. We go grocery shopping, meet a friend for coffee, play in the grass, take aimless walks and stop for picnics. At least once a week we take the subway across the river into Manhattan. Sometimes we have errands to run. Most times I just need a change. We walk around our old neighborhood and stop by my favorite coffee shops. We check out new pizza places. We chat with flight attendants on the High Line. Adventures. I've also been scoping out new playgrounds now that we are on the verge of walking. Just swinging no longer interests P. He is ready to move, slide, and climb. Help.

But I digress. If we are out long, P naps in the carrier or stroller. If we get home, he usually goes down sometime around 3. Between the hours of 4 and 6 is when we get creative. Sometimes we head back out to the playground. Usually I summon husband to play with baby while I start on dinner. Scott entertains P with chasing him, singing, making crazy sounds, and whatever else it takes.

Then it's dinner, bath, and bed by 7.

To be honest, this all sounds so silly as I write it out. Wah, wah, my life is so terrible hanging out in my cute neighborhood with my awesome baby every day. I get it.

I guess you have to be a stay at home parent to really understand this but sometimes when I'm out walking around aimlessly with nothing to do, I imagine what my friends are doing at work. I wonder what kind of deadlines they are facing and where they are getting their fancy lunches from that day. Sometimes I remember my life when it was filled with fancy lunches and commuting. Was it more exciting? Hard to say. Maybe on the surface. It definitely was not as fulfilling. And while I do have my own business, which is on hold right now, I am truly happy being at home with my guys. I wouldn't prefer another path.

So what is the point of all this? The point of writing this all out and sharing my real life? I guess mostly it's for me. Just writing this whole silly "worry" out helped put things into perspective. Isn't that what writing is all about, after all? Full disclosure.

My question for all the other stay at home parents is - How do you break up your days? Do you find yourself doing the same thing? If you have a baby, how do you keep things fresh?

I appreciate this open forum and the opportunity for us all to voice our day to day annoyances, triumphs, and stories. Thanks for listening.