Hurts So Good

I never realized how physical the act of mothering would be. When I was pregnant, I imagined how exhausted I would be (not even close!) and how little sleep I would get (ha!). I had visions of a tiny baby sleeping on my chest, his breath raising and lowering that tiny body. Then, he's crawling towards me, barreling into my open arms. Not only did I dream this, all of it happened. Phoenix is the most loving little snuggle bug. He loves nothing more than being close to me. It is an amazing feeling knowing that someone's most favorite thing is just to be held by you. That you can bring such comfort and security to a tiny soul, just by hugging them. As overwhelmingly powerful as this is, it is also so draining some days. 

Phoenix is a strong boy. Really. From the time he was 2 weeks old, he was grabbing our little fingers to pull up his neck and from about 6 weeks he was grunting and pulling up with his whole upper body. His physicality is evident in everything he does. He hasn't been weighed since his 9 month well visit, but I have a feeling he is well over 25 lbs at this point. When anyone is holding him, it's not uncommon for them to comment on how they didn't expect him to be so heavy. Now, I'm not writing this to be all braggy "my-kid-is-BIGGER-than-yours!" because, honestly, I'm tired of those comments/attitudes. My point is, all this cuddling and loving, it hurts sometimes. 

With painful little teeth cutting up through tiny gums every few weeks, my boy has been known to gnaw on my shoulder while being rocked to sleep. If I don't keep up with clipping his razors nails, I suffer the consequences by being covered in a slashed up chest from loving rubs during nursing sessions. Since it is a very tactile and exploratory time for Phoenix, he often pinches or pokes me when we are talking about parts of the body. And if you've ever held a baby, you already know about the hair pulling. Ouch. 

I know there isn't much time left with all the snuggles so I just practice being present and putting it into perspective. With sore arms and a full heart I will cuddle my boy, rock him, and swing him around in the grass. Soon he will be wiggling out of my hugs and setting off on his own adventures. For now I will hold on.