Heart=Melting

Just because. Have a great weekend!

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Monster Baby

Time seems to be slipping away. My little tiny newborn is turing into a real baby day by day. It feels like every time he wakes up from a nap or from the night, he is a little but smarter and a whole lot heavier! We've crossed the three month marker and life is becoming pretty seamless, with the days going by faster than we can keep up. I find myself constantly in flux between wanting time to speed up to reach all new exciting milestones and fighting to slow down every second and hold on to each little giggle and squeal.

These days Phoenix is weighing in at a hefty 15.5 lbs. That's right. He's a monster baby. Between his two and three month check up he gained three pounds. Which puts him in the 98th percentile for height and weight. When Scott asked me what that meant, I told him, "It means only 2% of babies his age are larger than him." "Wait....only 2%?!!" hahaha

Other than weeding through his clothes week by week (we are now in 6-9), P is as strong as can be. Although, he has been since birth. He's constantly pulling himself up as soon as he manages to wrap his pudgy hands around anything solid. He's sitting up all on his own in his bumbo seat and looks like he will be a fast crawler. Oh this boy of ours...he sure does keep us on our toes.

Every day there is a new noise, a new giggle, and funny expression for us to experience. And waking up at seven isn't so bad when there is a sweet cooing boy snuggling up next to you and batting his long eye lashes at your sleepy face. Heart melts.

Before you become a parent, a lot of people tell you that the first six weeks are the most difficult or that once you hit three months it's so easy. Others say the first year is really challenging. I'm not really sure that the challenges ever really end. (Correct me if I'm wrong parents!) But I feel like the challenges change. It's the way you approach them that really makes some "harder" than others. As with anything in life, if you approach a situation thinking that you will fail, most likely you will. I never had any doubt in my mind that I would love being a mother, but I had no idea how crazy in love I would be with my son and how much more I would love my husband when he became a father. And how much more I would appreciate my parents the moment I felt what they felt all these years. All those cliches...they are true. You really don't know, until you are there.

And so once again, Phoenix is waking up from his nap. I know once I peek in and watch him playing for a second before he sees me, I will wonder what he's thinking about. I will wonder what new things he is learning today. I think about whether or not he can truly feel all the love that is around him morning and night. I watch in amazement as he discovers this whole beautiful world with such fresh eyes and a pure heart.

These are the thoughts going through my mind at any given time. Slowing down. Always wanting another moment. Another hour with this sweet babe.

Currently

                      by james mcneill whistler | via texturism


“And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.”

- Haruki Murakami

Sick Baby

Source: google.com via Katy on Pinterest

Sometimes babies are a mystery. Today, Phoenix is sick and it is both heart breaking and exhausting. Not that much of parenting is a walk in the park, but having a sick baby has to be one of the hardest challenges. My normally happy little guy is so irritable and upset. Poor thing.

The mystery is: I'm not sure what he needs. I mean, other than food, clean diapers, and extra snuggles. He's never cried for "no reason" before. He's not fussy at all. And all of a sudden he is needing me more than ever. But that's just fine with me. We've just been nursing, nursing, nursing until he gets better.

I never thought I would be so excited about suctioning out a really huge booger but here I am, middle of the night, pulling that nasty thing out so my baby can breathe and sleep. That's the thing about being mom, you're always on call. For the rest of your life. It seems like such a daunting task. But nothing feels better than getting that little nose unstuffed and seeing your little one slip back into precious sleep.

And with that, I am handed another huge dose of perspective. It seems like every time I am faced with a parenting challenge, I am reminded to be thankful that I have a healthy boy. That his little body is strong enough to fight this terrible cold. And that I am able to be here for him day and night to help him get through it.

In the mean time, any advice for a sick three month old? Tried and true remedies?

2011 Was A Good Year

I know I'm late with this post. I know most good bloggers posted their lists last week, yesterday, last month. I know. But guess what? This is real life and I'm just writing this out now. So just go with it.

2011 was a good year. It started out peeking out from the darkness of a terrible loss and ended by shining a light on the possibilities of a new year ahead.

Here is a look (in photos) of my favorite year yet!

January

We spent the first month of the year with good friends. Gearing up for a new year and setting ourselves up with a positive perspective. Little did we know what was just around the corner.

February

This!

March

As the sun started to roll in, we ventured out to explore.

April

We headed out west to spend some time in our second favorite city, LA!

We played in castles with dear friends.

Took in the view.

Ate yummy things at the farmers market, after a workout. Ahem... (That's right. I worked out on vacation.)

And I got really into veggie burgers.

May

We found out we were having a boy!

And I started to look more like this:

June

There was a short lived (albeit delicious) obsession with thai iced tea italian ice. Yum.

Dining outside with pretty friends.

Belly!

Birthday fun :)

Cooking and baking every day.

And growing, growing, growing...

July

It was HOT and we tried to spend as much time as we could at the beach.

I made (and ate) gazpacho almost every day.

Friends enjoying margaritas while I drink water with lime. Womp womp.

More belly!

August

I started to look and feel more like I was in my third trimester. And also I was hot. ALL the time. Since I felt like a house, I dyed my hair red. Woot!

Our baby shower! Made possible by my sweet parents :)

A few more walks on the boardwalk.

September

As we got closer to the big day I was running out of clothes but I refused to buy any more maternity clothes so I came up with little outfits such as this one, when my bestie Shannon came up for the day. Interesting, no?

I made my own nutella! Really!

Husband celebrated his birthday in Greece! (Not really, just a Greek resto.) Wish...

I got really into pumpkin foods. Such a pumpkin kale smoothie. Healthy and delicious!

Pumpkin mac and cheese! Not quite as healthy but most definitely delicious. Nom Nom.

One of my last midwife appointments before our little butterball was here.

And then the waiting began...

October

He's here! Phoenix Hudson was born at home by the light of the moon. 

The very first photo:

We became parents...

fell in love with him...

and all at once, our whole new life began.

November

This month, our little sack of potatoes decided to stop being a newborn...

and become a funny little baby!

December

This is my favorite photo, out of all the hundreds we took this month. Our sweet boy. His very first Christmas. By the light of his very first tree.

2011 was not a year without challenges and tough decisions. But nothing compares to the joy and wonder that becoming a parent brings. Seeing the whole amazing world through your child's eyes puts all things into perspective and with that teaches you what to hold dear. 

I am so grateful for all these moments and the many more not captured on film. 2011 was the most life altering year of my life and I can't wait to see what's to come in 2012. 

Probably more italian ices and mac and cheese.

Finding The Good

(A photo of my cute bunny, just because.)

Today has been one of those days when it's more challenging to find the good. After dealing with my infection, I had to take two different antibiotics, one of which gave me a horrible reaction and now I have a gross rash covering my face and neck. The irony of the whole thing is that I had a home birth free of drugs and intervention. P hasn't been vaccinated. I don't even take pain killers for a head ache. And for the past few weeks I've been popping pain meds, rubbing on steroid creams, and downing antibiotics (all monitored by my midwife, of course). I told my midwife about how upset I was over the whole thing and she just smiled and told me that was how the universe worked. She said that since I had such an easy pregnancy and amazing recovery after birth, I owed it to the universe somehow. Go figure.

In any case, I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself all morning. We have plans with some dear friends this evening and I was crying to S about wanted to cancel because I felt so self conscious about this stupid rash. Lately, I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot. Annoyed that I still have a few pounds left to lose and no time to exercise. Worried that our living situation is so in flux right now. Unhappy that my roots are grown out and my toenail polish is still the same one that I had when P was born (seriously). Grouchy when I sit around in sweats all day.

The truth is I just have to get out of this funk. And so I'm holding myself accountable by posting this on my blog. I have NO reason to be throwing myself a pity party. I have an amazing healthy baby boy who lights up every time I sing silly made up songs to him. My wonderful husband lets me whine to him about my grown out roots and toenail polish and still tells my how pretty I look every day. In my sweats. And with a rash on my face. And so what that I still have a few pounds to lose. I'll lose them! I have a strong amazing body that created, birthed, and is nourishing a little person. I have to give myself a break. And the living situation? Well, we're figuring that out too.

I have to remind myself that everything is taken care of. This is all a part of my journey at the moment. The pain, the suffering, the sacrifice, and the lessons it is bringing.

I think that as women and moms, we tend to want to do it all and do it without messing our hair up or showing any weakness. My postpartum experience has been different than I imagined it would be. Even with my hesitations about breast feeding and the good fortune of having an easy recovery, I didn't  anticipate all these other challenges. It's tough. But I'm going to get through it.

For now, I have to find the good in this situation. I'm sharing my story. In a small way, I'm suffering. But life is pretty good right now. We are in a good place. And getting better every day.

Let's Talk About Boobs

Picasso Maternite, 1963

Since Baby P has come into the world I have had my breasts out far more and with many more people than I ever cared to share them with. I mean, a lot.
Firstly because breast feeding is so time consuming in the beginning. Baby P and I did not have a solid introduction unfortunately. He had trouble latching on, amongst other things. Those first couple of weeks were filled with him crying because he was hungry followed by me crying because it hurt so bad. It felt like razor blades stabbing my breasts. Uggghh. I shudder just remembering it. Every time he nursed, it took a long time so needless to say, those boobs were out!
Even though our nursing sessions are going much smoother now there is such a learning curve with the whole thing. Now, while I was pregnant I read every book under the sun, like a good first time mommy. I read blogs, forums, and talked to other moms. I was pumped and prepared for my birth. However, I was terrified of breast feeding. In retrospect, I wonder if my hesitation is what brought on this myriad of problems. But I digress.
The worst part was not the pain or insecurity. Oh no, that passed. It's the mastitis and abscess that developed in the past seven weeks. Yeah, that's the WORST part.
It began as a plugged duct and continued to morph into an infection until it basically looked like my breast was about to explode. Ew. I won't be posting any photos of THAT.
At seven weeks I had to get the abscess drained which was super painful and pretty gross. My midwife suggested we do some "self healing" as we called it. My other option was going to a breast surgeon or the ER and risk getting sliced open. No thanks.
In any case, all is getting better now as I am on my second round of antibiotics, healing and hopefully all this is behind us.
The challenge of breast feeding is not something most women talk about and I wish more would. Maybe new moms wouldn't be so discouraged if they knew, in the first place, how to prepare for this new experience.
Just know, if you can push past the first few painful weeks, it's a bond like no other. It's an amazing feeling knowing you can nourish your child. But just like many things in parenthood, it's a sacrifice, body and heart.

Phoenix Hudson: Month One

Well son, we've made it. One month! Actually, you are six weeks old as I write this but as you will learn one day, time is a fleeting thing. I have already caught myself on the verge of tears thinking about how quickly you are growing dear Phoenix. These past weeks you have filled our home with more laughter and our hearts with more joy than we've ever known.
You've already proven to live up to your name. You are so strong. Since your first week, you've been picking your head up and pushing off of us with your chubby legs. And every time your little head bobbles over or you can't quite grasp something and fall, you pick yourself up and keep trying. Over and over. Like a Phoenix.
These past few weeks you've also been spoiling us with your sweet coos and your delicious smile. You're even laughing! That little laugh makes my heart melt.
You're more alert every day and always observing what is going on around you. You love looking outside when it's too cold to actually go outside in the morning. After we nurse in the morning, you love to lay back down with us and sleepily gave out the window at the first rays of morning sun. Yes, you like to start your day early.
Recently you have been more interested in playing too! You love your playmat with your animal friends. Although you're not interested in sleeping by yourself during the day, we don't mind all that much since you're so snugly. At night you alternate snuggling up to mama and curling up next to papa. It's our favorite.
We are both so blown away with how much you've changed in just one month. Day by day you grow into an even more adventurous and inquisitive little boy. And while I hate to think about quickly this first month has passed we're looking forward to seeing what next month brings!

The greatest challenge this month was breast feeding. It was much harder than I anticipated and we both had trouble for the first couple of weeks. I was so determined to get through it and get better and we did! But not without several plugged ducts which turned into mastitis, and now, a round of antibiotics. Exhausting, but worth it. I can proudly say that you nurse like a champ now! Without any pain or frustration for either of us.

We are lucky that you are a pretty good sleeper at the moment. I say "at the moment" because I have learned in these short six weeks that as soon as you feel like you have something figured out (breast feeding, sleeping, etc.) it can change very quickly! A reoccurring theme as a parent, I'm sure. Anyway, you usually wake up only once a night if we're lucky, twice max. Pretty good buddy!

Other than that we are just head over heels crazy in love with you and so happy you chose to let us be your parents. We love you little fuzzball :)

Phoenix Hudson: Week 3

Every week that goes by, I can't believe we've been parents for another seven days. That we've learned another new way to soothe this little guy, to meet his needs, and also find time to shower. There have been a lot of questions and frustrating moments, but mostly we are feeling like real parents now.

Baby P is such a sweet little guy. We can't say much for sleepiness. Luckily...

Not that he is sleeping through the night. Ha! Hardly. But he does wake me up by tugging on the top of my tank top and whimpering a little. He then nurses for a bit until he falls asleep for 2-3 more blissful hours. We're not as alert as ever but it's definitely not as bad as I thought it would be. I know it's different for everyone and bless his little heart, our boy seems to be an okay sleeper for the most part, but I thought I would be a zombie for sure. 

We usually get up after our 8 am feeding or if P decides to go back to sleep then we sleep in until 10. Luxury, I know. After that he eats again and we play for a little while. By play I mean stare at each other and I talk to him as he coos and makes sweet baby sounds at me. Usually I kiss him a million times until he makes a face that says, "Enough mom." Point taken.

This routine goes on for the rest of the day: nurse, nap, play, eat (me), maybe bathe...

The last few weeks have been a hazy blur of diapers, first smiles, and family naps. And in the midst of this, we are moving. Out of New York. For good.
We are not moving to California until after the holidays so this is kind of a transition move. We are moving out of our apartment and in with my parents in the burbs. We are close enough to the city to see our friends on the weekends until we move bit it's till surreal. For the next several weeks, we will be soaking up as much time with our families and friends as we can, enjoying our beloved city, and planning our new life in our NEW city. All with a newborn...Phew.
With that, we still have to pack up our whole apartment by Monday. Yikes.